From Hushpuppies and Tesla’s Code to Stockholm Syndrome (Episode 9)

This episode isn’t about one event. It’s a collage of memories, each from a different phase of my life, and each carrying its own weight.

I begin with words from Dr. Gabor Maté and former Secret Service agent Evy Poumpouras. Both point out something chilling — predators and abusers can sense who is vulnerable and who is not. They choose targets they believe will be easy to control.

That thought stayed in my mind when I remembered a call from someone I had promised myself I would never speak to again. The conversation was strange, almost absurd, yet laced with tension. It reminded me of how easily old dynamics can resurface, even when you know better.

Then the memory shifts to my early days in the United States, when the phrase “pick your sides” in a restaurant made me bristle. I didn’t want to take anyone’s side — I wanted to stay neutral. Only later did I learn the server was asking me to choose a side dish. That’s how I discovered hushpuppies, hash browns, and home fries. These moments of learning English often came wrapped in something bigger — a relationship dynamic where I felt small.

One friend, Tabby, opened my eyes to another word: “hoarder.” Her humor softened the truth she was pointing to, but the recognition stayed with me.

Some memories are heavier. Like lying flat at the top of the stairs so as not to be seen, my heart pounding, while my husband paced and talked to himself downstairs. I didn’t know what I had done wrong. I reread one of his confusing text messages, only to have a friend tell me it was gaslighting — another new word for my vocabulary.

Then the scene shifts again. Nikola Tesla’s fascination with the numbers 3, 6, and 9 catches my attention. On my 50th birthday, feeling neglected and alone, I turned to those numbers, hoping for a sign. I played with my birth date, saw patterns, and made a little pact with the universe. If I were to live to 111, I would make it count — not just in steps like Tesla, but in the way I chose to live.

That birthday was followed by a brighter one — my 51st, spent by a lake with friends, painting and plunging into icy water. But soon after, the heaviness returned. I watched the man I was with grow sicker, while my own body showed signs of stress. A doctor told me plainly: “You can’t save him, but you can save yourself.”

In the process of learning how, I came across another term: Stockholm syndrome. It’s when victims begin to feel affection for their abusers, a survival response that convinces them an unsafe situation isn’t actually unsafe. Awareness is the first step to healing, and that’s what I hold onto.

If you want to hear the full patchwork of memories — from hushpuppies to Tesla’s secret code to the lessons in Stockholm syndrome — you can listen to the complete episode here.