The Half-Life Celebration and the Guarantee of Nightmares (Episode 8)

Some milestones in life arrive with fireworks. Others arrive quietly, offering not the party we imagined, but the clarity we didn’t know we needed.

On April 16th, 2025 — my half-life birthday at age 55½ — I had pictured a warm, golden celebration. In my mind, there was a mountain-town apartment with tall windows, a balcony wrapped in string lights, laughter spilling into the night. Music inside, voices from the street outside, and friends gathered to toast the moment.

Instead, I found myself at home, alone, scripting this episode. No clinking glasses. No balcony. Just a long walk before sunset and a podcast playing in my ears — an interview with Dr. Gabor Maté on Mel Robbins’ show.

That conversation changed the episode I thought I’d record. It also reminded me that life’s timing often has its own plan. I learned that Dr. Maté published his first book at 55. That felt like a sign. I launched this podcast at the same age, and here I was, hearing his story right at my milestone.

In my earlier episodes, I’ve shared fragments of memory, woven with reflections on trauma, identity, and healing. I’ve introduced fictional characters like Frost, explored the journaling process through the Internal Family Systems model, and highlighted real-life women who speak their truth in different ways. Each approach raises the same question: How do we share our voice in a way that feels safe and true?

During my walk, something Dr. Maté said helped me connect a hidden thread: the deep pain in my closest relationships might trace back to a single childhood trauma. His words — “We’re longing for the love we never received” — landed hard.

From there, the theme of my half-life day shifted. I began to see why my solitary walk was not a failure to celebrate but an opening to insight. I also thought about the repeating number “111” that I’ve been noticing almost daily for years — on clocks, odometers, even in strange places — as if the universe taps my shoulder to say, Pay attention.

People have told me that 111 can be a spiritual “green light,” a reminder to stay aligned with my intuition. Some even tie it to new beginnings. That made me reflect on marriage — I’ve had three. Would there ever be a fourth? Dr. Maté’s warning echoed: when you marry, you meet both your dream and your nightmare.

If that day ever comes, I’ll check in with my gut first — not my brain, not my fear, and not my longing to fill a void. There are no guarantees of happy endings. The only guarantee, as he put it, is that there will be nightmares. But perhaps, if two people grow together, the dream can still outweigh them.

Listen to the full Episode 8 here.